Season 4 – Episode 3
PREAMBLE WHEREIN I PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT YOU, YET AT THE SAME TRY TO ELICIT VALIDATION IN THE FORM OF GUILTY CORRESPONDENCE
I hope you are well. I apologise for the delay in sending you this email, and I hope you did not pine overmuch. I also apologise if we have not responded to any of your emails heretofore, as we recently discovered that replies to this email address were not actually sending. Awks, as the kids might say. Presumably that is why our correspondence has been a little one-sided. This has now been fixed*, so we shall be expecting a veritable barrage of affection.
The most important piece of news, I suppose, is that our Knight’s Atari t-shirts have arrived! I think they turned out pretty well. This opinion is obviously shared by the happy folk featured in this gallery of beautiful people. If you would like a Knight’s Atari t-shirt – and of course you would, because you’re cool and want everyone to know it – please email us at email@example.com with your preferred size and we’ll arrange to get one to you, via shady drop-off or post** or somesuch.
The t-shirts are €10, or you could try to win one in one of our competitions. Since the readers we have to cater for have a diverse range of talents, we currently have both a logic/mathematical competition and an artsy/creative competition.
When you do get your t-shirt, don’t forget to send us in a photo so we can add you to the Beautiful People gallery.
WHAT’S NEW ON KNIGHTSATARI.COM
Well, knightsatari.com now just redirects to knightsatari.wordpress.com, so don’t get too excited, but here is the synopsis of what has been added to the website since our last communiqué.
- Puzzles: Two logic puzzles to get the brain working – somewhat similar to Sudoku, but less done-to-death. And you could win a Knight’s Atari t-shirt!
- 1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+…=-1/12: Since the Knight’s Atari contributors hold a number of mathematics doctorates between them, and since we’re still pulling that “editor of a publication featuring fun science articles and mathematical puzzles” nonsense on our CVs, it makes sense to actually include some mathematics on the site. This piece explains how all of the numbers from one to infinity add up to give -1/12.
- Eating Poo: With our erstwhile resident chef, Dr. Jorge, now busily employed by some university in Bath, perhaps it is time for Knight’s Atari to recruit a new gourmet? In this “Your Man on the Can meets Nigella”-esque article, Holly describes the three different types of poo she has eaten, and why.
Then there are a couple of Your Man on the Can bits, so I’ll use this as an excuse to include Dr. Kevin’s awesome Your Man on the Can doodle.
- Your Man on the Can’t: Do you ever find it difficult to urinate when you think there might be someone listening? Your Man on the Can discusses his bashful bladder.***
- Plop Trumps: In this piece, Your Man on the Can has attempted to spread his wings and review something other than a toilet for a change – focusing instead on a card game like no other. Also contains the means to win a Knight’s Atari t-shirt.
KEEPING IN TOUCH
To keep up-to-date with Knight’s Atari, remember not to use this unsubscription link. If you need more expedient updates on goings-on, since I’ve not sent one of these “weekly update” emails since June, perhaps finding us on Twitter or Facebook might be a better shout.
THE USUAL REQUEST FOR SUBMISSIONS
As usual, we’re always on the lookout for articles and doodles, so do send us in something. Our standards are pretty low.
Knight’s Atari, always looking out for you, dear reader, will occasionally advise of interesting jobs we come across, or which are brought to our attention. I was recently informed that one of our readers has an interview for a position we previously recommended in this section – they obviously missed the part in the job advert where it warned them not to tell anyone if they were awarded an interview… Ah well, we’ll keep our fingers crossed for them and perhaps they’ll be able to leak us some juicy government secrets in the future.
This week we noticed London Zoo, who are looking for a herpetologist to look after chickens in the Dominican Republic, but also have some other cool openings like Senior Press Officer for 4 months. Sounds like great craic.
TOKEN CHESS CONTENT
This evening, I was at the cinema, where I watched Guy Ritchie’s “The Man from U.N.C.L.E”. It featured a scene where one of the main characters is shown playing chess against himself (presumably to illustrate his massive intellect, even though there is nothing impressive about the moves he’s making) and at the end of the film we find that he has an ELO rating of 2401. That would put him, theoretically, above all bar 4 of the currently active chess players in Ireland. That must really set the ladies drippin’, as, according to Wikipedia, the actor David McCallum (who played this character in the original TV series) “received more fan mail than any other actor in the history of MGM.”
We need to get Romeo van Halen back with his film reviews. Romeo, Romeo, where**** art thou Romeo, eh?
I think that’s all. Let me know if there’s anything you feel should be included in the next email, and I hope to see you all wearing Knight’s Atari t-shirts soon!
Fintan and all at Knight’s Atari
*That is, replies to these emails shall henceforth actually be delivered to us, but, regrettably, any replies you have sent previously shall remain lost in the ether. So, if you’ve been worrying whether those nude photos you emailed in with “I love your little publication” drunkenly scrawled over them in red lipstick arrived, you need worry no longer. Please resend.
**Knight’s Atari may use your address for own nefarious purposes, but will not pass your details on to any third party.
***You will be glad to hear that Your Man on the Can is now on the road to recovery. He writes, “It’s weird – I’ve had this problem for about fifteen years, but since publishing this article [in June] I’ve peed in hotels, pubs, conference halls (or at least the bathrooms outside them), airports, and behind bushes by the side of the road. I’ve even peed with the bathroom door open while talking to my friends. I wouldn’t say I’m fully cured yet, but I’m getting there. Maybe I should write articles about my hair loss, lack of success with women, and chronic unemployability…”. If any of our readers suffer from “shy bladder” or paruresis, as it is technically known, and wish to discuss confidentially with Your Man on the Can, simply drop him an email at yourmanonthecan[at]gmail[dot]com.
****Think carefully, or at least a little, before questioning this.
Knight’s Atari: Season 4 – Episode 2
I hope this letter finds you well. It is a little tardier than anticipated, in keeping with Knight’s Atari’s usual modus operandi. As it is Bloomsday, I shall feel no obligation to make any sense whatsoever.
First and foremost, a massive congratulations are due to Isabella for winning May’s “Design Knight’s Atari’s New Logo” competition. The €100 prize has been delivered, but the shitload of notoriety continues to flood in.
Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the winning logo:
We’re sure you’ll like it. You’d better. You’ll be seeing a lot more of it.
Did anyone else immediately see the ‘T’ as a horse-cock, or was it just me? When you’ve worked with Kevin for as long as I have, you start seeing dicks everywhere.
Many thanks to all the entrants, and commiserations to the runners-up. Keep an eye out for our next competition!
Speaking of competitions – we’ve been advised that our readers might be interested in the following:
Here is an all-too-brief summary of what has been added to the website since we last spoke. We have more material, I just haven’t had time to upload it. Fortunately, as of June 1st, my contract is up, and I am now unemployed and have plenty of time to focus on important things, like Knight’s Atari:
Your Man on the Can is back, with a very important toilet review.
We also have another film review from Romeo Van Halen – written originally as part of Knight’s Atari’s unrealised “The Big Tissue” project, this review was from a proposed series of “Films That Have Toilet Paper in Them” reviews. This week’s study is the classic “V for Vendetta“.
We have launched our Doodles page, and would love to receive more of your pictures to upload there.
Finally, Sir Lord Marmaduke provides some insight into eco-friendly architecture in Grand-ish Designs.
I still haven’t figured out how to get that poxy tag on the left-hand-side of the page to turn into a proper header menu, but it’s all a learning experience… Plus it will all be redundant when we launch knightsatari.com anyway. For the moment, though, we must make do with knightsatari.wordpress.com.
If, somehow, you feel like you don’t need these Knight’s Atari updates in your life – maybe you’re already spiritually fulfilled, and a grandmaster, and have a beautiful other half who can bake, and have too much money to enter our generous competitions, maybe you know where all the best toilets in your area are, or maybe you just want to hurt the Knight’s Atari editors, then you can always unsubscribe.
It will negatively affect our rating, of course, and might get our mailing list blacklisted, but so long as it makes you happy…….
If, on the other hand, you have a friend who wants to enrich their lives by subscribing to our mailing list to receive weekly* updates on competitions, puzzles, doodles, nonsensical articles, etc – then they can subscribe by simply filling in their email address at knightsatari.com . At the moment, we have a rather elite bunch of 122 readers.
If you’d like to get involved with Knight’s Atari – simply drop us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org . We’re always on the look-out for doodles, articles and puzzles, to arouse, puzzle and repulse.
This week’s shoutout goes to Dr. RR of NUIG, who expressed concern over the future of this “scurrilous publication”.
The lovely Isabella has promised to organise Knight’s Atari t-shirts, so if you’d be interested in one, do let us know.
*Or tri-weekly – who knows…
P.S – Regarding the video I referred to in my last email, and in response to the many requests I received for links, I’m afraid I was unable to locate it again. I searched, long and hard, through the relatively limited selection of cheerleader porn videos which my network provider permits me to access, but to no avail. Honestly, if I never see another American football coach’s cock, it’ll be too soon.
We expect to have knightsatari.com up and running at some point over the summer, but since, judging by the complaints we have received, you can not wait, we have set up knightsatari.wordpress.com . It does not have all of the functionality which is planned for knightsatari.com, but it is up and running! We will be adding articles there on a regular*** basis henceforth, with weekly synopses being included in emails similar to this one. You can tell your friends to sign up for this mailing list by visiting knightsatari.com. If you received this email but did not sign up for the mailing list yourself, then it means that you clearly have amazing friends.**** If, for some reason, you wish to unsubscribe from these emails and break the hearts of its editors, you can do so here.
BEST: Don’t mention it at all. However, if any of our contributors are really that desperate – maybe you slept with your last boss’ daughter, or ate his hamster – Dr. Kevin or I will be happy to provide you with a glowing or accurate reference.
Speaking of jobs – if any of you come across any interesting jobs which you might like to share with Knight’s Atari readers, send us a link. In this week’s Interesting Jobs list, we have: MI5 seek Intelligence and Data Analyst. May be of interest to tight-lipped UK graduates on our mailing list.
We all know that “the gays” have won,******** and fair play to them, but did you know that the lovely redhead currently currently pictured in the relevant screengrab on the front page of reuters.com is a Knight’s Atari contributor? We are that cool.
In sadder news, John Nash, subject of the film “A Beautiful Mind”, the only winner of both a Nobel Prize and the Abel Prize (with which he was presented last Tuesday), has been killed in a car crash, along with his wife. Here is an interesting documentary on an exceptional life. RIP.
Please forgive any formatting issues – this is my first time using this mail-management service.
If there is anything else you would like to see included in Knight’s Atari emails, or some feature you’d like added to knightsatari.com when it’s finally launched – let us know.
As a nod to Knight’s Atari’s humble beginnings as a chess and go newsletter, it is only fitting that each week we include some reference to these classic games.
- Ireland’s only FIDE-rated rapidplay chess competition takes place in Galway onSaturday 6th June. See here for details. It should be good craic. There’ll even be a couple of Knight’s Atari contributors at it.
- “A little bout of chess” – commentators’s description of a completely unrelated but interesting frame of snooker between Ronnie O’Sullivan and Judd Trump which showed up in my YouTube feed the other day.
- Earlier this week, I happened to come across a porn video********* in which a nice lass, finding herself in need of extra credits, is forced to seduce the cheerleading coach to get on the team. In the midst of some predictably scintillating dialogue she consoles herself – “At least it’s better than joining the chess club…”
*********I can’t link to this, I’m sorry. Not because it’s Knight’s Atari policy, but because I was obviously browsing Incognito, and I would have to browse through a ridiculous amount of cheerleader porn to try to find the…. hmm…..
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