Agony Aunt Competition: Number Two

Agony Aunt Competition: Number Two

Given the success of the previous Knight’s Atari Agony Aunt competition, and the subsequent, and quite possibly, indeed, consequent, influx of queries and querulous advice, and noting the “KAAA”, to which these were often addressed, I contemplated briefly using “Kaa” from Kipling’s “The Jungle Book”, as an unofficial and copyright-infringing mascot, of sorts, and somehow removing the superfluous ‘A’. However, the results for an image search for Kaa rapidly devolve into softcore hentai, and are not at all in keeping with the materteral image this particular column ostensibly seeks to preserve. Therefore, we will use Kaa’s image once, and once only.

kaa

This week/month/whateveryouarehavingyourself’s problem comes from a reader who, we hope, has not been waiting for our response, or he will have an almighty case of haemorrhoids.

 

Dear KAAA,

We have meditated (whilst on our porcelain Throne) on the effects of the Christmas season and its annual assault on our most delicate Royal (alimentary) Canal. In particular, befitting the coming centenary Celebrations, we have observed what once took its rightful place Below, has recently Risen.

Indeed, as we write from the Throne, It is currently Afloat. What sustains this Insurrection? We feel it of vital importance that the depths of these Mysteries by plunged by our beloved Subjects at the KAAA.

We await, in serene anticipation,
Prince Albert

 

I suspect that the solution is, perhaps, alimentary, my dear Watson,* but I have been wrong before.

Please send your explanations to knightsatari@gmail.com before the end of the month, and we will allow “Prince Albert” ( a dubious moniker) to choose his favourite, and we will promptlyish send the provider thereof a much-coveted Knight’s Atari t-shirt.

In the meantime, feel free to send your own problems in for perusal – who knows, the answer could change your life.

 

*Pop-quiz-which-is-not-really-a-quiz-because-I’m-going-to-give-you-the-answer-here:
Question: What do the works of these three of my favourite childhood authors have in common; Douglas Adams, JRR Tolkien, and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
Answer: They have all been shat upon by modern depictions featuring Martin Freeman.

 

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Agony Aunt Competition

Agony Aunt Competition

aunt

Have you ever fancied yourself as an Agony Aunt or Uncle? Perhaps you like to write, or are wise, or nosy, or opinionated? Perhaps you need a distraction from all the studying you’re supposed to be doing?

As ever, Knight’s Atari has got your back. In this month’s competition, you get to answer one of the attention-seeking letters we are sent on an all-too-regular basis by readers who aren’t content merely to whore their personal issues out to cretinous friends on facebook for “likes” and “r u ok hun”s, but who also, for some reason, seem to think the editors at Knight’s Atari actually give a shit about their problems.

Below is a letter (or email, if you want to be technical) which was sent to us last week, by someone who, we must conclude, is both hairy and an arsehole. In a surprising turn of efficiency, the Knight’s Atari editors are going to outsource the problem to you, dear readers; providing distraction for you and potentially a range of answers for the poser, and most importantly – saving the editors’ precious time. You can post your answers as comments below or email them to us at knightsatari[at]gmail[dot]com, and as an extra incentive, whomsoever, in Chip Zee Man’s opinion, best answers the question before the end of this month, will win one of the highly-coveted Knight’s Atari t-shirts, as can be seen sported in our Beautiful People gallery.

Dear KAAA (Knight’s Atari Agony Aunt) 

 
As I leave behind the first flushes of youth, I find, to an increasing degree, that the appearance of new body hair no longer arouses in me the pride and feelings of masculinity that once it did. While vanity is not a sin of which I am regularly accused, the thought of disposing of some of the more unsightly outgrowths has crossed my mind. To spare myself the potential embarrassment of a disastrous depilatition, I would appreciate if the KA team, who I know to be far hairier than me, even in my current state, could investigate for me. Ideally I would like my answer structured as a villanelle* (not necessarily in French) and with before and after photos.
 
Regards, 
Chip Zee Man.
 
* Some of the limericks 
Attempted by KA cleverdicks,
While trying to be clever 
Could have rhymed better 
See – it’s not even that hard. 
(I even came up with a clever anagram-ous pseudonym.) 
 

For your convenience, here is the wikipedia article explaining what a villanelle is.

And remember – if you have any embarrassing personal problems that you feel you would like to share with the world, or at least the discerning portion of it which reads Knight’s Atari, do get in touch, because apparently we care.