A visit from St Nick

A visit from St Nick

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The whole KA crew were gathered cozily there
Reading through the latest released issue with care;
Then they all felt drowsy and got ready for bed,
While visions of penises danced in their heads; Read more

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How to avoid the shift

How to avoid the shift

While we have had a plethora (read: three) of female contributors in our time, Knight’s Atari has been subject to some scrutiny in the past on the matter of our “female-friendliness”.

With this in mind, today’s article is written by a new columnist who identifies as a cis, straight, under-weight, third-wave feminist who reviles the patriarchy but still likes the D.

How to avoid the shift1

Whether you’ve got a handsome beau waiting for you at home, are saving your lips for marriage, or just aren’t keen on contracting any of the numerous respiratory infections that are spread through saliva, the situation may arise at some stage during your years of courtship that you may not actually be up for the shift on a night out.

Fear not, for Knight’s Atari are here to share a few nuggets of wisdom we’ve gained from many years of not getting some. Read more

Puzzzles

Puzzzles

Happy St. Brigid’s Day! Time for a little sprint-cleaning of the dusty cobwebs in your mind…
Below are two puzzles which are tricky, but certainly not beyond the capabilities of your average Knight’s Atari reader. Whomsoever first sends in the solutions to both of these puzzles shall receive one of Knight’s Atari’s highly-prized t-shirts.

SKYSCRAPER

A Skyscraper puzzle consists of an NxN grid, where each row and column must contain all of the numbers 1 to N, each representing the number of floors in that skyscraper. In addition, the number of visible skyscrapers, as viewed from the direction of each clue provided along the edge of the grid, is equal to the value of that clue. Note that higher skyscrapers block one’s view of lower skyscrapers located behind them.

Skyscraper 01-02-16NURIKABE

The aim of Nurikabe is to colour in parts of the grid such that each number is contained in an (uncoloured) island composed of as many squares as the number implies. Squares forming an island are only connected  horizontally or vertically, not diagonally. The rest of the grid is filled with water (the coloured-in bits).  The islands cannot touch (they must be separated by water). The water must form one continuous  chain and cannot form any 2×2 square, or bigger.

Nurikabe 01-02-2016

Agony Aunt Competition: Number Two

Agony Aunt Competition: Number Two

Given the success of the previous Knight’s Atari Agony Aunt competition, and the subsequent, and quite possibly, indeed, consequent, influx of queries and querulous advice, and noting the “KAAA”, to which these were often addressed, I contemplated briefly using “Kaa” from Kipling’s “The Jungle Book”, as an unofficial and copyright-infringing mascot, of sorts, and somehow removing the superfluous ‘A’. However, the results for an image search for Kaa rapidly devolve into softcore hentai, and are not at all in keeping with the materteral image this particular column ostensibly seeks to preserve. Therefore, we will use Kaa’s image once, and once only.

kaa

This week/month/whateveryouarehavingyourself’s problem comes from a reader who, we hope, has not been waiting for our response, or he will have an almighty case of haemorrhoids.

 

Dear KAAA,

We have meditated (whilst on our porcelain Throne) on the effects of the Christmas season and its annual assault on our most delicate Royal (alimentary) Canal. In particular, befitting the coming centenary Celebrations, we have observed what once took its rightful place Below, has recently Risen.

Indeed, as we write from the Throne, It is currently Afloat. What sustains this Insurrection? We feel it of vital importance that the depths of these Mysteries by plunged by our beloved Subjects at the KAAA.

We await, in serene anticipation,
Prince Albert

 

I suspect that the solution is, perhaps, alimentary, my dear Watson,* but I have been wrong before.

Please send your explanations to knightsatari@gmail.com before the end of the month, and we will allow “Prince Albert” ( a dubious moniker) to choose his favourite, and we will promptlyish send the provider thereof a much-coveted Knight’s Atari t-shirt.

In the meantime, feel free to send your own problems in for perusal – who knows, the answer could change your life.

 

*Pop-quiz-which-is-not-really-a-quiz-because-I’m-going-to-give-you-the-answer-here:
Question: What do the works of these three of my favourite childhood authors have in common; Douglas Adams, JRR Tolkien, and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
Answer: They have all been shat upon by modern depictions featuring Martin Freeman.

 

Hairy Agony Aunt Competition Winner

Hairy Agony Aunt Competition Winner

In last month’s Agony Aunt Competition, Knight’s Atari offered you the chance to be a hero, and win a t-shirt. Your mission was to rescue one of our readers from a hairy situation.

MJ was one who answered the call, and a fancy Knight’s Atari t-shirt is on its way to her, along with our congratulations and, indubitably, Chip zee Man’s eternal gratitude for her thoughts on his predicament. Below are her words of wisdom, which we can perhaps all learn something from.*

Dear Chip Man,

Get over yourself. Not only do none of us care that your own body doesn’t arouse you no more (my heart breaks for you while violins play wistfully), but the gall you have asking for a villanelle is just de trop. Any self-respecting French-person will tell you that we regard hairiness highly, and the slight curl of a thickening hair (on any body) makes us quiver in anticipation. I suggest you use your hair to knit jumpers for refugees (you know, people with actual problems) and stop asking people to send you pictures – subscribe to a porn streaming service like the rest of us.

Rgs.
Ms. Fifi Deco

Keep an eye out for Knight’s Atari’s further Agony Aunt competitions – our readers will always have intriguing or embarrassing problems, and we will be happy to share them with you. Indeed, if you have any questions for the Knight’s Atari readers Agony Aunt collective, please do get in touch – knightsatari[that weird curly ‘a’ sign]gmail[dot]com .
A problem shared is a problem halved, and all that. Unless it’s herpes.

*This sentence should, of course, end with “from which we can perhaps all learn something.”, as ending a sentence with a preposition is frowned upon.
Madam:           I would like a train ticket, please.
Ticket-seller:  Certainly – where are you going to?
Madam:          One ought not to end a sentence with a preposition!
Ticket-seller:  I’m sorry – where are you going to, bitch?