Happy St. Brigid’s Day! Time for a little sprint-cleaning of the dusty cobwebs in your mind…
Below are two puzzles which are tricky, but certainly not beyond the capabilities of your average Knight’s Atari reader. Whomsoever first sends in the solutions to both of these puzzles shall receive one of Knight’s Atari’s highly-prized t-shirts.


A Skyscraper puzzle consists of an NxN grid, where each row and column must contain all of the numbers 1 to N, each representing the number of floors in that skyscraper. In addition, the number of visible skyscrapers, as viewed from the direction of each clue provided along the edge of the grid, is equal to the value of that clue. Note that higher skyscrapers block one’s view of lower skyscrapers located behind them.

Skyscraper 01-02-16NURIKABE

The aim of Nurikabe is to colour in parts of the grid such that each number is contained in an (uncoloured) island composed of as many squares as the number implies. Squares forming an island are only connected  horizontally or vertically, not diagonally. The rest of the grid is filled with water (the coloured-in bits).  The islands cannot touch (they must be separated by water). The water must form one continuous  chain and cannot form any 2×2 square, or bigger.

Nurikabe 01-02-2016

Agony Aunt Competition: Number Two

Agony Aunt Competition: Number Two

Given the success of the previous Knight’s Atari Agony Aunt competition, and the subsequent, and quite possibly, indeed, consequent, influx of queries and querulous advice, and noting the “KAAA”, to which these were often addressed, I contemplated briefly using “Kaa” from Kipling’s “The Jungle Book”, as an unofficial and copyright-infringing mascot, of sorts, and somehow removing the superfluous ‘A’. However, the results for an image search for Kaa rapidly devolve into softcore hentai, and are not at all in keeping with the materteral image this particular column ostensibly seeks to preserve. Therefore, we will use Kaa’s image once, and once only.


This week/month/whateveryouarehavingyourself’s problem comes from a reader who, we hope, has not been waiting for our response, or he will have an almighty case of haemorrhoids.


Dear KAAA,

We have meditated (whilst on our porcelain Throne) on the effects of the Christmas season and its annual assault on our most delicate Royal (alimentary) Canal. In particular, befitting the coming centenary Celebrations, we have observed what once took its rightful place Below, has recently Risen.

Indeed, as we write from the Throne, It is currently Afloat. What sustains this Insurrection? We feel it of vital importance that the depths of these Mysteries by plunged by our beloved Subjects at the KAAA.

We await, in serene anticipation,
Prince Albert


I suspect that the solution is, perhaps, alimentary, my dear Watson,* but I have been wrong before.

Please send your explanations to knightsatari@gmail.com before the end of the month, and we will allow “Prince Albert” ( a dubious moniker) to choose his favourite, and we will promptlyish send the provider thereof a much-coveted Knight’s Atari t-shirt.

In the meantime, feel free to send your own problems in for perusal – who knows, the answer could change your life.


Question: What do the works of these three of my favourite childhood authors have in common; Douglas Adams, JRR Tolkien, and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
Answer: They have all been shat upon by modern depictions featuring Martin Freeman.


Agony Aunt Competition

Agony Aunt Competition


Have you ever fancied yourself as an Agony Aunt or Uncle? Perhaps you like to write, or are wise, or nosy, or opinionated? Perhaps you need a distraction from all the studying you’re supposed to be doing?

As ever, Knight’s Atari has got your back. In this month’s competition, you get to answer one of the attention-seeking letters we are sent on an all-too-regular basis by readers who aren’t content merely to whore their personal issues out to cretinous friends on facebook for “likes” and “r u ok hun”s, but who also, for some reason, seem to think the editors at Knight’s Atari actually give a shit about their problems.

Below is a letter (or email, if you want to be technical) which was sent to us last week, by someone who, we must conclude, is both hairy and an arsehole. In a surprising turn of efficiency, the Knight’s Atari editors are going to outsource the problem to you, dear readers; providing distraction for you and potentially a range of answers for the poser, and most importantly – saving the editors’ precious time. You can post your answers as comments below or email them to us at knightsatari[at]gmail[dot]com, and as an extra incentive, whomsoever, in Chip Zee Man’s opinion, best answers the question before the end of this month, will win one of the highly-coveted Knight’s Atari t-shirts, as can be seen sported in our Beautiful People gallery.

Dear KAAA (Knight’s Atari Agony Aunt) 

As I leave behind the first flushes of youth, I find, to an increasing degree, that the appearance of new body hair no longer arouses in me the pride and feelings of masculinity that once it did. While vanity is not a sin of which I am regularly accused, the thought of disposing of some of the more unsightly outgrowths has crossed my mind. To spare myself the potential embarrassment of a disastrous depilatition, I would appreciate if the KA team, who I know to be far hairier than me, even in my current state, could investigate for me. Ideally I would like my answer structured as a villanelle* (not necessarily in French) and with before and after photos.
Chip Zee Man.
* Some of the limericks 
Attempted by KA cleverdicks,
While trying to be clever 
Could have rhymed better 
See – it’s not even that hard. 
(I even came up with a clever anagram-ous pseudonym.) 

For your convenience, here is the wikipedia article explaining what a villanelle is.

And remember – if you have any embarrassing personal problems that you feel you would like to share with the world, or at least the discerning portion of it which reads Knight’s Atari, do get in touch, because apparently we care.

Plop Trumps!

Plop Trumps!

After years of reviewing toilets, I am sometimes approached by random people in the street and asked – and I’m paraphrasing here – “Your Man on the Can, you sexy beast whose babies I only wish to avoid having through the responsible use of contraception and oral sex – you’ve been reviewing toilets for some years now – don’t you have an opinion on anything else?”. At this point, if memory serves, they lift up their t-shirts to reveal ample bosoms, and press themselves against me and look up at me with pleading eyes, as moist as the cork floorboards surrounding a leaky toilet caused by some fat fuck leaning too far to his right in an effort to wrest apart the entanglements of arse hair and dangleberries which bind his buttocks together. Read more




In celebration of the arrival of our new Knight’s Atari t-shirts, we are offering a free t-shirt to the first person who sends us in completed solutions to BOTH of the puzzles below. Sadly, we do not yet have the functionality to enable you to fill in the puzzles online – that would be pretty cool, and is something that we have planned for when we finally get knightsatari.com off the ground – so entrants will have to rely on their own ingenuity to send in their solutions to knightsatari[at]gmail[dot]com. That will probably be more challenging than completing the puzzles, to be fair…


 Tic tac logic

Read more

€100 May Competition – Design Knight’s Atari’s new logo!

€100 May Competition – Design Knight’s Atari’s new logo!

“To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”- Jarod Kintz

Design a new logo for Knight’s Atari and send it to knightsatari[at]gmail[dot]com. Enter as many times as you like. The winning entrant will receive €100 and infamy, and will relinquish all rights to the logo, which will feature on future Knight’s Atari products including, but not limited to – webpages, posts, t-shirts, pens, headed paper, lingerie, feature films, albums, bathroom suites,  breakfast cereals, tattoos, coasters, mugs, hotpants, business cards, children, firearms, video games, refrigerators, cosmetics, bread, medical supplies, toasters, styled pubic hair, doilies, multivitamins, camping gear, hats, dinosaurs, gravestones, fleshlights, alloy wheels, research papers, dildos, goats, double-glazed windows, key-rings, job advertisements, novels, the little doodles on top of a latte, and Knight’s Atari’s own-brand ice-cream.

The Knight’s Atari editors aren’t entirely sure what we’re looking for in a logo – if we were, we would have designed it ourselves.

So good luck! And get those entries in before the end of the month – ie. May 31st at 23:59:59 (2015)…