Nice shoes…

Nice shoes…

Another door, but I visited no facilities today to which I will not return, so you’ve missed nothing. This brief remark is on the obscenely large gaps under cubicle doors in America. The gaps between the door and the frame are also extra-large, which is good news for all of our readers, who are perverts. I feel that comma is appropriate.
Our Berkeley accommodation last year, had, for some reason, a cubicle which you could see right into if you stood at the urinal beside it. I’ll try to locate a photo.
I should possibly have included something here for scale, but you’ll have to trust me – this is a really big gap. I always thought they were ridiculous, until that time last year when I could not unlock the cubicle I was in. Had brute force not eventually worked, I would have had to call for help or crawl…

On Hooks

On Hooks

Not all my photos will be of doors – but these highlight an important issue which many people seemingly forget when kitting out their toilet cubicles. The first picture is a loo door in Dublin Airport, the second in Heathrow, and the third in San Francisco. The third picture is less satisfactory than what I was trying to photograph, so I will focus on the first two pictures. Can you spot the difference?
I’ll give you a minute.

Well done!
Yes, there are at least two bags on the hook in the right picture, while in the other, those same bags are presumably balanced on my head, because that hook isn’t going to hold anything with any degree of reliability, and especially in an airport, your bags must go absolutely everywhere with you and there’s piss on the floor.
Some loos provide no hook at all, and are unworthy of review.

Home Is Where The Fart Is

Home Is Where The Fart Is

This is it.
On the other side of that door lie seventeen days of latrinal uncertainty.
Here I am, in the comfort of my own bathroom, the lock on the door purely symbolic, preparing myself for a voyage and a lack of reliable bathroom breaks.
For your pleasure and disgust and erudition, I will once more turn my hand to chronicling some of the pit stops during my travels. It has been a while, but perhaps it is like learning to ride an elephant. I regret not keeping a better log of last year’s sojourn across the ocean; the bears, the breasts, the fire, the blockages, the great escape…
Perhaps, if I risk falling short of my 150-word quota, I will share these anecdotes with you.

For now, I sit here and ponder the same question every traveller must before embarking on a long journey – when did I last poop?

– Your Man on the Can

The redheads and the chess pieces.

The redheads and the chess pieces.

Author’s note: This is an old puzzle. I am only resurrecting it because the amazing Hannah Fry has tweeted a request for a chess-player, and I am not going to see my maths phd and decades of chess-playing go to waste simply because of a 140-character word limit and my inability to be epigrammatic. If it turns out to be an April Fools’, I shall be most disappointed.

Author’s side-note: Apologies to you dear readers, and to Kevin and Isabella, for my prolonged absence, which I may well resume presently.

Three young redheads*, cavorting naked in the moonlight one evening, were captured by a group of perverted chess-playing homicidal maniacs. The redheads watched in horror as the leader of the perverted chess-playing homicidal maniacs selected two knights and three pawns from his set. He ordered the other perverted chess-playing homicidal maniacs to tie the captives’ hands behind their respective backs. He then set the redheads standing in an equilateral triangle with edges of almost arbitrary length 10 metres, to prevent whispering or wiggling and gesticulative hints between the captives. He explained, as he placed one of the five chess pieces standing on each of the captives’ heads, that if any of them dropped their chess piece then they would all be killed. Further, they would each be asked what chess piece was on their heads – a simple multiple-choice question, in effect, where one correct answer would lead to instant freedom for all three. One of the redheads asked if there was to be negative marking, which reminded the leader of the perverted chess-playing homicidal maniacs that yes, in fact, an incorrect answer would lead to the redheads all being summarily executed whereupon their skins would be converted into lampshades for the table lamps which the perverted chess-playing homicidal maniacs had recently won at a table quiz**, which had ironically turned out to be about tables and left the participants feeling a little bitter – hence the capturing and threats of death and so on, which they would not under normal circumstances condone.

And so, without further ado, the first redhead was asked what chess piece was on her head. She looked at the chess pieces on the heads of her friends*** and hadn’t a fucking clue, and burst into tears because she was an emotional sort. It was a wonder that she managed to keep the chess piece balanced on her head at all. The second redhead was then asked what chess piece was on her head****. She asked what would happen if none of them answered, and after a moment’s contemplation the leader of the perverted chess-playing homicidal maniacs conceded that he hadn’t considered that eventuality, but that she could rest assured that he would conceive an equally heinous yet tedious fate for them all. So after briefly attempting to twist her head at some odd angle and rolling her eyes up into her skull in an effort to see through it to the chess piece, the second redhead conceded that she did not know what chess piece was on her head either. The final redhead had lost her glasses, which was just typical of her, and she was unfortunately yet intriguingly effectively blind without them. So while she had seen the pieces when they were selected, she could now barely distinguish the other girls’ blurry arses from their blurry elbows, nevermind which sodding chess piece was balanced on their blurry heads. In any event – she didn’t actually know what the chess-pieces were called, having never made her way to the chess club meetings whilst she was at university. Scarlet for her mother for having her, eh? But after a moment’s thought she was able to work out what the piece on her head ought to look like. She described the piece to the leader of the perverted chess-playing homicidal maniacs, who, being an honourable sort, let the other two girls go, but was so infuriated at the final redhead‘s ignorance that he clubbed her slowly to death with a copy of a small publication about mathematics, chess, and toilets.

The moral of the story is, obviously, go to chess club – Wednesdays from 8 in Smokey’s*****.
The question is: what piece was on the final redhead‘s head, and how did she know?

* These ladies’ hair colour has remained unchanged for the past four years – we do not pander.

**For the benefit of our international readers, a table quiz is what the Irish call a pub quiz. Why, I do not know. But yes, in answer to your inevitable question, we did actually host a pub quiz where all 107 of the questions were about tables. It was unforgettable.

***In truth, they were not actually friends at all, and had never even met before being thrust together as part of this sick, perverted fantasy.. eh.. puzzle..
Life’s funny, eh?

****The problem may call for some suspension of disbelief. Primarily, it must be assumed that the redheads in question are intelligent. Pretend they’re expert logicians or something like that.

*****For the benefit of our international readers: Smokey’s Cafe, National University of Ireland, Galway, Galway, Ireland.

Puzzzles

Puzzzles

Happy St. Brigid’s Day! Time for a little sprint-cleaning of the dusty cobwebs in your mind…
Below are two puzzles which are tricky, but certainly not beyond the capabilities of your average Knight’s Atari reader. Whomsoever first sends in the solutions to both of these puzzles shall receive one of Knight’s Atari’s highly-prized t-shirts.

SKYSCRAPER

A Skyscraper puzzle consists of an NxN grid, where each row and column must contain all of the numbers 1 to N, each representing the number of floors in that skyscraper. In addition, the number of visible skyscrapers, as viewed from the direction of each clue provided along the edge of the grid, is equal to the value of that clue. Note that higher skyscrapers block one’s view of lower skyscrapers located behind them.

Skyscraper 01-02-16NURIKABE

The aim of Nurikabe is to colour in parts of the grid such that each number is contained in an (uncoloured) island composed of as many squares as the number implies. Squares forming an island are only connected  horizontally or vertically, not diagonally. The rest of the grid is filled with water (the coloured-in bits).  The islands cannot touch (they must be separated by water). The water must form one continuous  chain and cannot form any 2×2 square, or bigger.

Nurikabe 01-02-2016

Agony Aunt Competition: Number Two

Agony Aunt Competition: Number Two

Given the success of the previous Knight’s Atari Agony Aunt competition, and the subsequent, and quite possibly, indeed, consequent, influx of queries and querulous advice, and noting the “KAAA”, to which these were often addressed, I contemplated briefly using “Kaa” from Kipling’s “The Jungle Book”, as an unofficial and copyright-infringing mascot, of sorts, and somehow removing the superfluous ‘A’. However, the results for an image search for Kaa rapidly devolve into softcore hentai, and are not at all in keeping with the materteral image this particular column ostensibly seeks to preserve. Therefore, we will use Kaa’s image once, and once only.

kaa

This week/month/whateveryouarehavingyourself’s problem comes from a reader who, we hope, has not been waiting for our response, or he will have an almighty case of haemorrhoids.

 

Dear KAAA,

We have meditated (whilst on our porcelain Throne) on the effects of the Christmas season and its annual assault on our most delicate Royal (alimentary) Canal. In particular, befitting the coming centenary Celebrations, we have observed what once took its rightful place Below, has recently Risen.

Indeed, as we write from the Throne, It is currently Afloat. What sustains this Insurrection? We feel it of vital importance that the depths of these Mysteries by plunged by our beloved Subjects at the KAAA.

We await, in serene anticipation,
Prince Albert

 

I suspect that the solution is, perhaps, alimentary, my dear Watson,* but I have been wrong before.

Please send your explanations to knightsatari@gmail.com before the end of the month, and we will allow “Prince Albert” ( a dubious moniker) to choose his favourite, and we will promptlyish send the provider thereof a much-coveted Knight’s Atari t-shirt.

In the meantime, feel free to send your own problems in for perusal – who knows, the answer could change your life.

 

*Pop-quiz-which-is-not-really-a-quiz-because-I’m-going-to-give-you-the-answer-here:
Question: What do the works of these three of my favourite childhood authors have in common; Douglas Adams, JRR Tolkien, and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
Answer: They have all been shat upon by modern depictions featuring Martin Freeman.

 

Hairy Agony Aunt Competition Winner

Hairy Agony Aunt Competition Winner

In last month’s Agony Aunt Competition, Knight’s Atari offered you the chance to be a hero, and win a t-shirt. Your mission was to rescue one of our readers from a hairy situation.

MJ was one who answered the call, and a fancy Knight’s Atari t-shirt is on its way to her, along with our congratulations and, indubitably, Chip zee Man’s eternal gratitude for her thoughts on his predicament. Below are her words of wisdom, which we can perhaps all learn something from.*

Dear Chip Man,

Get over yourself. Not only do none of us care that your own body doesn’t arouse you no more (my heart breaks for you while violins play wistfully), but the gall you have asking for a villanelle is just de trop. Any self-respecting French-person will tell you that we regard hairiness highly, and the slight curl of a thickening hair (on any body) makes us quiver in anticipation. I suggest you use your hair to knit jumpers for refugees (you know, people with actual problems) and stop asking people to send you pictures – subscribe to a porn streaming service like the rest of us.

Rgs.
Ms. Fifi Deco

Keep an eye out for Knight’s Atari’s further Agony Aunt competitions – our readers will always have intriguing or embarrassing problems, and we will be happy to share them with you. Indeed, if you have any questions for the Knight’s Atari readers Agony Aunt collective, please do get in touch – knightsatari[that weird curly ‘a’ sign]gmail[dot]com .
A problem shared is a problem halved, and all that. Unless it’s herpes.

*This sentence should, of course, end with “from which we can perhaps all learn something.”, as ending a sentence with a preposition is frowned upon.
Madam:           I would like a train ticket, please.
Ticket-seller:  Certainly – where are you going to?
Madam:          One ought not to end a sentence with a preposition!
Ticket-seller:  I’m sorry – where are you going to, bitch?