Parents concerned at the decline of moral standards and the aggressive escalation in questionable marketing aimed at teens have spoken out against the malign influence of overused and overly explicit sexual imagery and content in today’s popular culture. Consequently, these concerned parents (who have formed the pressure group “Parents Against Pornification” or P.A.P. ) have decided to draw a line in the sand and have publicly called on the Minister for Arts to change the name of several classic novels which they see as a prime example of this tidal wave of sleaze, in order to raise public consciousness and begin discourse about this vitally important topic.
They have proposed renaming Moby Dick, a deeply philosophical tale of one man’s quest for revenge set in the rough and ready world of whaling, to “Moby Richard”. Lady Chatterley’s Lover, another classic of literary significance, is to be recast as “Lady Chatterley and her just really good Friend” and finally, Pinocchio, that stalwart of children’s libraries everywhere, is to be banned outright, for the use of “questionable imagery relating to the growing of Pinocchio’s nose to extreme lengths upon repeated irritation with untruths”.
The Minister for Arts, Heritage and the Gaeltachts has brushed off P.A.P’s demands, arguing that to go down this path would be lunacy and accused them of living in La-La-land, although controversially, the Minister for Communications has welcomed the proposal. P.A.P’s response to this accusation is not yet forthcoming, but they are thought to have contacted the Minister’s deputy with queries as to whether or not the Teletubbies are still living there.
Sinéadín Ní Colly Wolly, spokesperson for P.A.P, contacted Knight’s Atari to outline the group’s feelings. She related a shocking anecdote to this Knight’s Atari reporter which she believes perfectly encapsulates this moral degradation and constant sexualisation of society, in which she recalls the summary of Moby Dick written by her daughter as a homework assignment. In it, her daughter describes how Captain Ahab was obsessed with Dick, and how he chased him throughout the seven seas in a quest of revenge, and is eventually killed in a titanic struggle with Dick.
Warning : The following imagery in this summary, paraphrased from Melville’s narration of the fight, contains images and metaphors of a sexual nature, and may upset some readers.
The final battle casts in high definition the image of Moby Dick’s blood, hot, steaming, salty gouts of it, fountaining over Captain Ahab from Dick’s blowhole, who has been tied to Dick’s flank by the ropes of his angrily thrust and now deeply embedded harpoon, which lash him, forcing grunts of animal pain from his body. In the ultimate climax, Dick then plunges below the waves locked in this life and death embrace with Captain Ahab, never to be seen again. Ms. Ní Colly Wolly sees this as exactly the type of cheap filth that is corrupting young minds and emblematic of the pornification iceberg holing today’s youth below the moral line.
Knight’s Atari editors are considering the implications of P.A.P’s proposals should they be implemented and are quietly looking for job opportunities, whilst burning all evidence of their involvement with Knight’s Atari.