This assertion has consumed philosophers for generations as they have tried and failed to resolve this conflicting statement, the equivalent of Fermat’s Last Theorem for those who contemplate the meaning of life and reality as we encounter it day in day out. Finally, a breakthrough has occurred. After years of painstaking study and brutal physical exercise designed to strengthen the mind as well as the body for the mind bending paradigm shifts and tortuous logical arguments upon which the solution rests, monks in an isolated monastery atop a mysterious misty mountain peak at the end of a double rainbow have cracked the enigma. The simplicity of the monks’ conclusion is dazzling, on par with the diamond sharp clarity and insight of Descarte’s “I think, therefore I am” and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat”.
After years of reviewing toilets, I am sometimes approached by random people in the street and asked – and I’m paraphrasing here – “Your Man on the Can, you sexy beast whose babies I only wish to avoid having through the responsible use of contraception and oral sex – you’ve been reviewing toilets for some years now – don’t you have an opinion on anything else?”. At this point, if memory serves, they lift up their t-shirts to reveal ample bosoms, and press themselves against me and look up at me with pleading eyes, as moist as the cork floorboards surrounding a leaky toilet caused by some fat fuck leaning too far to his right in an effort to wrest apart the entanglements of arse hair and dangleberries which bind his buttocks together. Read more
In celebration of the arrival of our new Knight’s Atari t-shirts, we are offering a free t-shirt to the first person who sends us in completed solutions to BOTH of the puzzles below. Sadly, we do not yet have the functionality to enable you to fill in the puzzles online – that would be pretty cool, and is something that we have planned for when we finally get knightsatari.com off the ground – so entrants will have to rely on their own ingenuity to send in their solutions to knightsatari[at]gmail[dot]com. That will probably be more challenging than completing the puzzles, to be fair…
The Delectable(ish) Dare
It was New Year’s Day, 2013. I had spent the previous evening celebrating with my terrific friends in the back arse of nowhere, i.e. Co. Laois. We were, and still are, a very close group of friends who bonded over silliness and dirt. Ah yes, we girls loved getting dirty. But not like that! I mean plastered-in-so-much-mud-that-you’re-still-finding-it-dried-up-behind-your-ears-days-later type dirty. We actually find all the mud pretty cleansing… oddly enough.
It was that thought that drove us down the fields on that particular day (my friend, Ciara, is a farmer) to find a turlough. A turlough is a seasonal lake, and the upside of a wet winter! The one in Ciara’s field was a particular large one, and pretty deep too. Who knew what sort of filth lay beneath its brownish surface? Well, we did of course have a faint idea. Cow shit. And lots of it! And obviously this just made the whol